“I am Julian!” said Julian…and now I am “Scerred.”

In the month of May, Julian discovered his identity, not just recognized his name, but discovered that, “I AM JULIAN!” Its funny that at 2 years old and 3 months, Julian figured exactly who he was, was comfortable in his own skin and was confident in himself. For the entire second week in May, Julian shared his discovery with us no less than 200 times! Well maybe not in the same exact words 200 times, but with other little twists on the same concept:

“Hi Mommy…I am Julian.”

“Your name is Dylan (his brother)…I am Julian.”

“Tyson (our dog barking) HUSH! …I am Julian.”

“No Daddy, stop tickling me!… I am Julian!”

“I don’t want to take a nap… I am Julian!”

My sister accidentally scratched him and he exclaimed through sobs and tears, “OUCH! Lissa did it! I AM JULIAN!”

If he did not say who he was, he made sure to point out who we were:

“Thank You! … Mommy”

“Have a nice day!… Daddy”

“Good bye.. Car”

“Good night… Blanket”

It is so ironic that at just a bit over 2 years old Julian had found what most people by the time they are teens are completely clueless of and which many won’t find again until they are 40 – their self. So how do we lose our self? What in the world robs us of us by the time we are 15?

I think the answer lies in fear. Fear of not being accepted. Fear of our parent’s rejection. Fear of failing. Fear of being hurt. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of not being good enough. Fear we might not even like our self if we really knew who we are.

So ironically, by the very next week, before the end of May, right after discovering exactly who he was in the world, Julian discovered fear of things in the world. He woke up screaming and I rushed to his crib. He exclaimed “monsters!” We have no idea where he got this idea from. What did he see? What had he experienced already in the world that his father and I had not known about? How did he even know outside of Sesame Street what a “monster” was?

Just as baffling as the sudden discovery of him self, was this sudden discovery that evil exists in the world. The theme from that day forward, Julian’s new mantra has been “i scerred” (no that is not a typo for “scared” it his how he says it). He is now “scerred” of monsters, the dark and even jumping too high if he thinks he might fall.

In the course of a couple short weeks, my son realized he was his own person and then felt immediately unsafe. There must be some psychological explanation for why one followed right after the other. I was absolutely mesmerized by his recognition of his self and his confidence, then so sad to know he had already figured out their is evil and to have fear for himself. Julian no longer trusts that Momma can protect him from everything. Wow, I guess he is officially not a baby anymore!